The Drax Report

No Hate

2006-05-30T21:48:00.000-07:00

Old Business -

The season premiere of FX's always outstanding Rescue Me has inspired me to resurrect the blog. I'm even feeling a bit generous. Let's see here. I, the Drax, do hereby absolve Denis Leary of all of his past transgressions. The following sins are forgiven...

Demolition Man, The Ref, Operation Dumbo Drop, Two If By Sea, and those Quaker State commercials.

Go in peace my son.

New Business -

A year ago, I first heard about Darren Aronofsky's The Fountain and immediately decided to make it one of my patented obsessions. Think somewhere around the magnitude of 28 Days Later or Solaris. Mark my words, it will be the best movie of the year. Count on it.

You heard it here first.

Drax out.

P.S. I'm sure the hate will be back in full swing once I see X-Men: The Last Stand. Catch the elegance behind that subtitle. I mean this one must be just epic. Right? I believe it's a half-hour shorter than X2. Didn't want to waste your time on plot or characters. Just pack in the mindless, overindulgent mutant battles, corny one-liners, and cursory fanboy references, and I'm sure it'll come out alright. No one likes Cyclops anyway. But give me more Storm please. Her accent is fantastic. Hurry, give her more screen time before she threatens not to be in the movie altogether. That would be tragic. God, I'm angry.

Hate

2006-01-20T00:28:00.000-08:00

2006. Come now, there's still plenty to hate less than a month into the new year. Let's see what is bothering me lately.

Commander In Chief. Guess what? I hate it! Couldn't even watch 5 minutes of it. Total snoozefest. Apparently, officials in the Geena Davis Administration have embraced a policy of "phoning it in". Could the characters be more bland and cliched? Commander In Chief, I demand thee impeached!

The Machinist. Simply awful. A highly derivative mash-up of previous Christian Bale performances masqueradingas a fresh idea for a movie. Oh, I get it. His guilty conscience is causing him to waste away both physically and emotionally. Big fucking deal. Get over it. I liked this movie the first time when it was called American Psycho.

Land Of The Dead. I never thought it would come to this. The Dawn Of The Dead remake, at the time the worst affront to the legacy of George Romero, was better than this piece of shit. No semblance of a plot. Third rate satire. And Dialog that makes "God, I wish I knew how to quit you" look genius. Worst of all, the gore and violence were completely underwhelming. Was this even a movie? Seriously, it had less structure than a train wreck.

That's all for now. Eventually I'll see the gay cowboy movie, Spielbergo's "terrorists have feelings too" movie, and Terrence Malik's first bad movie. Till then...

Drax out.

P.S. Please do not misconstrue my "terrorists have feelings too" comment as a attempt to join the boorish chorus of conservative commentators who often object to slightest attempt to humanize terrorists. I went to college. I'm able think for myself. Blah, blah, blah. I was merely resenting the implication that we need a self-congratulatory Spielbergo rimjob to enlighten us to the fact that there is more than one side to the conflict in question.

Hate

2005-12-21T18:42:00.000-08:00

Roger Ebert. The man has no shame. Here's what he had to say about Batman Begins:

"It's the best and darkest of the Batman pictures."

Wrong on both counts fucko. Now, I know Roger Ebert is getting pretty fucking old, and his memory may not be what it used to be. But you'd have to have goddamned Alzheimer's to take Christain and Liam over Michael and Jack. Plus, Basinger was way, way better than Mrs. Tom Cruise. And that's only the beginning. (cough) Batwing (cough) Jesus! Has the whole world gone mad? Dark? Not likely. Batman Returns takes that honor. What a dick.

Drax out.

P.S. The 3rd season finale of Nip/Tuck was pretty satisfying. I did predict the ending halfway into the first hour, but hey I watch a lot of fucking TV. Overall, the 3rd season was a bit weaker than the second, but that's only because the 2nd season was beyond brilliance. Here's looking towards 2007. In the meantime, bring on The Shield and Rescue Me!

No Hate

2005-12-13T17:33:00.000-08:00

Nip/Tuck. Hooray for Tuesday. Only 3 new episodes left! What will I do when the season is over? Probably wait patiently for new episodes of FX's The Shield to start on January 10, 2006. Plug!

Drax out.

Hate, No Hate

2005-12-05T19:41:00.000-08:00

X-Men 3. If you wander over to Apple's Quicktime site you may catch a glimpse of the new teaser trailer for the latest and probably last X-Men movie. I did. Still not having any part of it. Don't get me wrong; it's an effective presentation - one that would get just about anyone pretty goddamn excited about the movie. The action looks well rendered. There are plenty of new characters to chew on. And Brett Ratner & Co. appear to have given this third installment a far greater scope than Bryan Singer's two more economical ventures. But I digress. The Drax is not "just about anyone" and will not be won over by Brett Ratner eye candy. This movie has all the makings of an ostentatious, disjointed mess - heavy on action, little on substance. Now before you berate with comments like:

"Drax, it's a comic book movie. How much substance does it have to have?"

"Drax, you're no fun. You Nazi! That looks awesome."

"Drax, get your head out of your ass"

Let me just say that structure is important at some point. If I want a story imbued with mindless action briefly punctuated with witty character "showcase" moments, I'll rent Fantastic Four, again. Actually, let me clarify that last point. I have never rented Fantastic Four. I mean c'mon. Who doesn't think that this movie will merely be a series of "mutant X does something cool, Mutant Y does something cooler"? Jesus. Then in place of real characterization, the writers cough up some cheap, cop-out plot developments designed to compensate for lack of imagination. What if (shock) we hook up these two X-Men and kill some major characters in the process? Won't that blow your mind? Won't that make this movie an epic? Sadly not.

Drax out.

Oh I almost forgot. The No Hate. Check this out.

http://brawl-hall.com/vault/video570.htm

That's Siskel & Ebert and the Movies!

Hate

2005-11-28T02:12:00.000-08:00

Chain Reaction. A poor man's The Fugitive through and through. Keanu Reeves as a machinist? Please.

Drax out.

Hate

2005-11-14T14:10:00.000-08:00

Social Security. So I'm trying to replace my Social Security card and they say they won't take a birth certificate as proof of identity. They will, however, take a driver's license. Small problem here - my driver's license was stolen too. Jesus Christ. Oh, and fuck old people too.

Drax out.

Hate

2005-11-08T23:26:00.000-08:00

Getting mugged. It sucks big time. I hope they like my shorts. In the end, the joke is on them. I have no money.

Drax out.

No Hate

2005-11-08T18:16:00.000-08:00

Nip/Tuck. Yep, it's Tuesday.

Drax out.

Hate

2005-11-07T19:42:00.000-08:00

Josh Hartnett. Who is this guy? Let's take a look at his resume.

1998-1999: Dimwitted High School Douchebag .
(Halloween H2O: 20 Years Later, The Faculty, The Virgin Suicides, O)

Jamie Lee Curtis had more balls then he did in Halloween H20 (snicker, snicker). Some leading man.

2001: Pseudo War Hero.
(Pearl Harbor, Black Hawk Down)

He takes a bullet so Ben Affleck can go bang Kate Beckinsale all night long. This is our hero? It's a wonder we actually won World War II.

2002-Present: Aspiring Loser
(40 Days And 40 Nights, Hollywood Homicide, Wicker Park)

The "why does no one love me" trilogy. What a whiny bitch. Get over it.

Drax out.

No Hate

2005-11-04T19:26:00.000-08:00

I don't hate being right. Some time ago I warned one Patrick Hayden that Vanilla Coke's existence was tenuous at best.

Well, I was right.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9925169/

Looks like you are the one who owes me money, Mr. Hayden.

Drax out.

Hate

2005-11-03T23:57:00.000-08:00

Direct TV. It's on East Coast time. How does that help me stay up late?

Drax out.

Hate

2005-11-02T20:22:00.000-08:00

It's a slow day. I really wish Nick at Nite would bring back Head of the Class so that I would have something to watch at 3:30 AM. Also, television on Halloween night was slim pickings (i.e. no Friday the 13th marathons). All I got was Halloween 4 and Halloween 5 - the two least watchable entries in the series. What the fuck was with all the druid shit in Halloween 5 anyway? Seriously.

Drax out.

No Hate

2005-11-01T17:23:00.000-08:00

Nothing can bring the Drax down today as another all-new episode of Nip/Tuck airs tonight on FX.

Drax out.

Hate

2005-10-31T13:54:00.000-08:00

You see this is what I'm talking about! A female Star Wars fan weighs in on the great Sith vs. Jedi debate on AICN...

[But Sith edges out Jedi — if only because Sith lacks Ewoks, and because Sith's Emperor comes off as more than a cackling, flour-dipped prune who speaks in sound bites while lightning spews out of his fingers.]

What a bitch! Sith may not have Ewoks but it does have a lame giant CGI riding lizard, a rather nonthreatening coughing robot, token Wookie appearances, and a scene where Yoda goes down like a bitch (too many lines I have, away I must go). Also, Sith is over two hours of sound bites (i.e. "So this is how democracy ends. To thunderous applause."). Sith better than Jedi? Give me a fucking break.

Drax out.

Hate, No Hate

2005-10-30T17:58:00.000-08:00

Sequels. Admittedly, they’re a mixed bag. Some are worthwhile and others are like the VX poison gas from The Rock that Nicholas Cage wished he could disinvent. Let’s take a look at some examples shall we.

Quick Hits – Sequels That Pretty Much Everyone Agrees Are Great

These are in no particular order, and there isn’t a whole lost more to say about them.

Aliens. Duh.
The Godfather: Part II. Better than the original.
Terminator 2: Judgment Day. He’s the governor of California!
Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn and Army Of Darkness. A Double Threat. If in doubt, watch them with Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell commentary.
Dawn Of The Dead. Genius.

Those are the easy ones. If you dispute any item on this list go fuck yourself fascist.

Underrated – Sequels That Deserve Just As Much Respect As Their Predecessors

These are, of course, more debatable, but it would be presumptuous to question the Drax’s wisdom. You see, I have no life and have devoted a lot of time and energy into championing these films. Back the fuck off.

Back To The Future: Part II and Back To The Future: Part III. In recent years both films have come under attack by so-called purists. Some movie critics actually contend that the second film was anything short of brilliant. Jesus Christ. We audience members know better in this regard (hoverboards anyone?). But audiences and critics alike unfairly hate on the third installment big time. Why? Since we had already explored the future and present in the first two films, it would seem only logical to delve deep into the past in the third entry. C’mon, I mean I hate everything, but Part III was just plain fun. The climactic train sequence towards the end was perfectly scripted and executed. Yes, the first two acts of Part III are a bit soggier than those of Part II, but give me a break. Deep down you like it.
Alien³. I’m pretty much alone on this one. Guess what? Everyone else is wrong, wrong, wrong. Successful sequels can give us a ramped up version of more of the same (i.e. X2), or they can evolve, carrying the concept forward in a logical and meaningful way. Aside from Alien³’s suburb art direction, editing, cinematography, and score, the movie actually tried to advance our understanding of the subject material by challenging our preconceptions of what had already transpired in the series. Truly, Alien³was daring in that it placed us in a world where nothing was sacred and no one, even Ripley, was safe. It makes sense if you think about it. These creatures are supposed to be the most terrifying things ever encountered. They may have not got you in the first two films, but they’ll get you in the third. They win, we lose. As in life, sometimes there are no happy endings. See the film as an AIDS allegory. See the Ripley as a Christ metaphor. See something. The film is nihilistic sure, but it’s more of an art film than the first two, and, in that way, it accomplishes something that few sequels do – it’s different enough to stand on its own and be a film in its own right. Remember, Fincher is genius, except for Panic Room.
The Godfather: Part III. Ignore Sophia Coppola. Andy Garcia … DeNiro he ain’t. A little boring? Sure. But it’s not bad at all. Part II was a hard act to follow. Stick around for the ending and you have a pretty poignant bookend to the series. The helicopter massacre in the beginning was quite good too. All in all, it’s not as bad as people say because those people are likely impatient, unthinking idiots.
The Road Warrior. I just don’t think many people have seen it. Better than Braveheart (Best Picture, 1995) that’s for sure. Maybe The Road Warrior should get an Oscar for something. Gladiator did. Ugh.
Robocop 2. A ramped up version of more of the same, but Sin City author Frank Miller does an excellent job of delivering the goods – satire, drugs, and over the top gore and violence (nuke, brain smashing).
Batman Returns. How does a critical and commercial success like Batman Returns not age so well these days. Its tone was perfect. It, like 1992’s other summer sequel Alien³, was a reflection of when nihilism was in vogue. Also, the villains were so well-written and captivating that Batman himself almost disappears from the narrative entirely. You can sympathize with the seemingly tragic plight of both the Penguin and Catwoman. If that’s not an example of an evolution in concept I don’t know what is. It’s weird, but it’s Tim Burton weird. I love it. So should you.
Star Wars: Episode VI – Return Of The Jedi. Some people don’t like Ewoks. Get over it. The duel between Skywalker and Vader at the end is timeless. Try to ignore Lucas’ new “additions” like the musical number in Jabba the Hut’s palace and Hayden Christensen’s faggy ghost at the end.
Wayne’s World 2. Mostly critics have a problem with this one. It’s funny.

Quick Hits – Sequels That Everybody Agrees Sucked Big Time

You’ll notice a few entries that refer back to better sequels above.

Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines. Why? Oh and why we’re at it, let’s undermine that whole “no fate but what we make” thing.
Alien: Resurrection. Ruined a perfect trilogy.
Lethal Weapon 2, Lethal Weapon 3, Lethal Weapon 4. Does anyone remember the plots to these movies? Does anyone care? The first one was certainly not good enough to warrant this many follow-ups. Who honestly said after watching the crap sandwich that was Lethal Weapon, “Yum, that was good. I want some more.”
The Matrix: Reloaded, The Matrix: Revolutions. So wrong for so many reasons to list here.
Hannibal, Red Dragon. Stupid, Stupid.
Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace, Star Wars: Episode II – Attack Of The Clones, Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge Of The Sith. Some legacy. I pity the new generation of Star Wars fans that have been forever scarred by these atrocities.

Quick Hits – Inexplicably Successful Sequels

Spiderman 2. He pulled his mask off for a whole train of people to see! Even I have a camera on my cell phone, and I, predictably, have the cheapest model. This story is over.
Rush Hour 2. Two words … Brett Ratner. Nuff said.

Quick Hits – Mistakes In The Making – Coming Soon: Shitty Sequels

X3. Two more words … Brett Ratner. I’m sensing a pattern here.
Rush Hour 3. Luckily this one might be in trouble because of “superstar” Chris Tucker’s salary demands. I got news for you Chris … your entire resume consists of pretty much the Rush Hour franchise and Money Talks with Charlie Sheen.
Rocky VI, Rambo IV. Stallone vanity projects. If such things are possible.
Spiderman 3. I said the story’s over.

Given the amount of sequels made (especially in the horror genre) and Hollywood’s love affair with them, I’ve probably neglected to fit quite a few into my lists. Deal with it. These are the main ones that come up in conversation. However, I do apologize for any oversight. Wait no I don’t. That’s what comments are for. Enjoy.

Drax out.

No Hate

2005-10-29T21:19:00.000-07:00

AMC. The channel's Monsterfest lineup includes not one but two installments from the Friday The 13th franchise (Part V: A New Beginning and Part VI: Jason Lives). Looks like I've got my Saturday night planned. Oh God, it's like high school all over again.

Drax out.

Hate

2005-10-28T22:49:00.000-07:00

Major Hate Attack. Hard to write. Can't control anger. Swelling Hatred. Saw preview for The Family Stone with Sarah Jessica Parker. Meet The Parents redux. Every frame fueling my rage exponentially. Too angry. Must kill.

Drax out.

No Hate

2005-10-28T21:13:00.000-07:00

Blood Simple. Thank you IFC for finally letting me see this excellent film. The Coen brothers can do no wrong. Except for Intolerable Cruelty. Man what a piece of shit. I should hate on that in a post. It was both intolerable to watch and cruel to the Coen brothers' then spotless record.

Drax out.

Hate

2005-10-27T19:45:00.000-07:00

Jarhead. It's literary roots might make this film a worthwhile distraction, but its world premiere at the Arclight on Sunset forced me to unnecessarily walk on the opposite side of the street. Why should I have to change my pedestrian habits for the likes of Jake Gyllenhaal and Jamie "I didn't deserve that Oscar" Foxx. Fuck that. You did Stealth Foxx. Never forget that.

Drax out.

Hate

2005-10-26T19:59:00.000-07:00

Over There. I've watched every episode this season. What a waste. I would surmise that my viewership of this Steven "Botch"co disaster is indicative of the depth of my loyalty to all things FX. How sad.

Drax out.

No Hate

2005-10-25T18:10:00.000-07:00

A new episode of Nip/Tuck airs tonight on poor man's HBO (i.e. FX). I enjoy this show often - with great pleasure.

Drax out.

My Turn

2005-10-24T14:37:00.000-07:00

I shall be silent no longer. Prepare for a revolution of the mind.

Drax out.